Exercise is the only thing keeping me from losing my sanity. It’s the only thing making me go insane.
I try to run away from my shadow but it always looms in front of me; I try to run away from my problems, but they always catch right up. I keep trying to run away from myself, but I can never get away. Never. I can’t escape. No matter how fast I run, I can never get away.
I told myself to run until I felt sick. After 3 miles I stopped feeling my legs. They just went numb. I felt like i couldn’t stop, I didn’t have to. . When I was done I ran around trying to find stairs and when I was done pushing myself more I went to a quiet corner and purged part of my dinner into the sewer. I’d call it a runner’s high except that i felt sad and defeated even before I purged.
I don’t want recovery. I’m too fat to eat. Tomorrow will be horrendous. I hope I get kicked out of Renfrew. I don’t want my parents to pay for something I don’t want. I’m tired of wasting their money. I just want to get away from everyone and everything. Detachment. Isolation. I deserve nothing and nobody’s support. Give it to someone who wants it.
It was a close call that I didn’t run in front of a car. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. Failure. I’m a bad person.