They only had a portapotty to purge in. Bulimia holds no boundaries.
Eating disorders sure are glamorous. If anyone who is engaging in behaviors thinks they’re above this, or you’ll never stoop to this level, you’re dead wrong. And I used to think purging in pearly white toilets was disgusting.
I went to the mall yesterday with my mom for 2 hours to buy shorts and other spring clothes that actually fit. I planned on going to the gym for at least 30 minutes before work, but we got home late so I went running instead. If I didn’t exercise at least a little bit I wouldn’t be allowed to eat and I needed something other than coffee before going to work. I went running for only 11 minutes and did 150 sit ups, and when I took a shower realized I cut the skin over my tailbone again cause it burned like a motherfucker.
Intake
6 romaine leaves- 20
4 grape tomatoes- 8
5 thin jalapeño slices- 1
1 gala apple- 72
I ran around work for 5 hours. My boss made a delicious salad with spring leaves, grape tomatoes, artichoke hearts, string beans, and carrots. I had 1 bowl. Then I payed attention to what the other girls were eating to make sure I was eating less, which I was. Then I had the rest of the salad. I stole a bean from my coworker’s plate while she was busy and tasted dressing on it so I spat it out. “That’s what you get for being greedy.” After that I ate some chicken. Then I completely lost it and ate a baked potato with 2 butters, then some sweetened blueberries, then I ‘accidentally’ brought out a slice of red velvet cake, which I ate in secret. Followed that with more chicken and about 10 pretzel sticks with 3 butters and salad dressing. It was so scary. I’ve never been in full binge mode at work. I was completely numb, stuffed my face in front of customers and my coworkers and couldn’t have cared less. I purged but for a few leafs of salad. I almost cried.
I feel disgusted. I can’t even make 2 days without purging. Pathetic. Disgusting. I hate myself. I can’t eat at all. I’m not supposed to be able to function. I’m supposed to die.
I want recovery.
Makes me want to cut myself more than my father does. Makes me feel so unworthy of food.
No one makes me feel this way except for him. I haven’t eaten all day. I’ve had about 5 cups of black coffee and 10 of tea. I walked to and from school, then went running for 20 minutes, got ready for work, ran around there for 6.5 hours. I walked to and from there as well and felt like crying on the way back because of what my dad said to me last night. I wrapped up the burger my boss made for me and put it in the fridge for my dad to have.
Selfish, worthless, wasteful, greedy, inconsiderate. I’m a bad person and a disappointment to my parents.
I hope I get run over by a bus.
I deserve to be hit by a truck.
If someone suffocated me in my sleep I wouldn’t blame them. I disgust myself. A waste.
I can’t go without my own binge food for much longer. I just binged on 3 soft boiled eggs (one of which fell apart in my hands as I peeled it), a large tomato, 2 apricot granola bars found in my mom’s bag, 1/5 avocado, 1 cup leftover salmon, 3/5 cups coffee mate sugar free powder, 1/8 stick of butter w/ salt, 3 tbs chopped garlic. I also chewed and spit out cream cheese I found that had fuzzy spores on part of it, but I only had the parts without the fuzz. I don’t even like cream cheese. Butter even less.
Having both parents off from work is proving to be a bitch.
I fucking need proper binge food.
I have a plan.
so as soon as she left I put on my coat and rainboots and ran through the rain to stop and shop. I completely forgot about buying bread/ bagels and automatically went for the cereal aisle. Then I went back and forth between buying creamer or cookie dough. I settled for the tube of cookie dough, because I couldn’t afford the extra 80 cents. It wasn’t worth it. I binged and purged twice on that, then went downstairs and discovered my parents’ stash. Decided to save it for a rainy day since there was other food in the kitchen. Then I had the rest of the soggy cereal I couldn’t fit in my stomach before and microwaved a large bowl of frozen fruit. Then I went back to my parents room and ate half the container of peeled almonds my mom took away from me last night, sun chips, cranberries (I hate those), and then I stole 2 condoms I found in my dad’s sock drawer. Idk why they even need them. Boiled 4 extra large eggs and 2 large eggs and microwaved a potato I found. Boiled another 3 large eggs and 2 potatoes and slathered them in mayonnaise. I accidentally ate bits of egg shell in my rush to get them down. I ate one of them without seasoning at all because it was falling apart and another fell on the floor and rolled underneath the cabinet but I washed it off and ate it anyway because I didn’t want to waste it. Completely irrational.
I didn’t finish the last bowl of eggs and potato, so I ate that once I was done purging, then I made more while my mom took a shower and just finished preparing everything as my dad walked through the door. I’ve consumed half a jar of mayonnaise and then had the remainder of this weird thick honey that’s been sitting around for a few months. I’m very disoriented and I don’t think I’m okay to take my anatomy midterm tomorrow, the main reason being that I didn’t study, secondarily that I’m mentally ill.
I have 1 page and I’ve been bingeing/ purging for the past 3 hours. I’m a machine. I’m shaking.. I’m calling my mom to transfer money into my account so I can buy groceries to replace some of what I’ve wasted. I’m a disgusting thing. A blob. Dumpy. Fat. Gluttonous. A waste—of space, of effort, of love. I hate myself. I am a machine. I have no control. I am nothing. I wish could be less. I purged till acid burned my throat. I’m disgusted with myself. I am a failure. I don’t understand why this happened.
Today was just fine. Until I was alone.
I am an ugly piece of shit.
Spicy Cauliflower and Chickpeas
- 3 tablespoons grapeseed oil
- 3/4 teaspoon whole cumin seeds
- 1 1/2 teaspoons whole mustard seeds
- 1 large onion, thinly sliced (about 3 cups)
- 1/4 cup finely shredded, peeled ginger
- 5 cloves garlic, very thinly sliced
- 1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
- 1 medium head cauliflower (about 2 pounds), cut into large florets
- 3/4 cup water
- 1 cup cooked chickpeas
- 1-2 small red chiles, thinly sliced, seeds removed for less heat
Directions
Heat 1 tablespoon of the oil over high
heat in a large skillet. Add spices and cook
until fragrant and golden, 30 seconds to
1 minute. Stir in the onion, 3 tablespoons
ginger, 3 tablespoons garlic, and 3/4 teaspoon
salt. Cook until onions are tender
and golden at the edges, 4 to 6 minutes.
Remove from pan and set aside.Wash and dry pan and return to medium-high
heat. Add 1 tablespoon oil; heat until
shimmering. Add half the cauliflower and
brown on one side, 3 to 5 minutes. Remove
from pan, and repeat with remaining oil,
cauliflower, ginger, and garlic.Combine batches of cauliflower in pan.
Add water and remaining salt. Bring to a
simmer, cover, and cook until tender, 5 to 7
minutes. Stir in chickpeas and chiles; cook
uncovered until chickpeas are heated
through and liquid is gone, about 3 minutes.Stir in onions and serve.
(Source: babysnakesss, via fitforinfinity)
I’m tired. I’m aching al over, especially my ribs, my temples, my arms. I’m tired of eating. I’m tired of food. I don’t want it anymore. I’m done.
Just eating. Eating. Constant, never ending eating.
Choosing food over sleep? This is out of control.
At 4, I was contemplating stealing the car to go to Wendy’s, but my dad kept waking up and my dog is a complete shitwad when people leave, so that was a no no.
you know I just feel bad that people have to even glance at how fucking ugly I am. I feel like I have to apologize for the fat they have to see, my ugly face, the ugly way I walk..everything.
*~pity party~*
