I’m terrible at writing. All I can write is thoughts that come into my head and they usually never make sense together. Just another thing I am bad at.
This is how I feel about myself and how my eating disorder affects my body. I don’t know what I did to get to this point of self hatred.
My eating disordered voice telling me “You’re not sick enough” is telling me “how did you get this sick again to think this way?” I’m going for assessment at Renfrew at 10. Yesterday I would have refused treatment. This morning, I want treatment so badly before school starts. I have two months; hopefully I’ll be better by the time august comes, but I know it’s health over education. I’ll do better when I’m sane. I need help. I’m back in the same place I was before residential. I’m tired of not being amazing at something that comes so naturally to everyone else. I need to be better than who I’ve been.
1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I cannot meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behaviors, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say, “I’m afraid.”
14. I have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.
I’m a piece of shit
I feel too sick for anything. My stomach keeps clenching.
Today marks one year since graduating frm residential.
Urge to binge and purge: 2.8/10
I need to find a job
Make plans with friends to sleep over their house, have lunch together
See Tom. A lot. And love him a lot.
I need to choose between being miserable and depressed and risk losing everything I’ve earned from being in recovery, and not having energy, and pushing people away, and feeling embarrassed about myself and worthless and jeopardize returning to college in the fall due to returning to DT or IP.
OR I can try to get through each day at a time, keep working through the anxiety, take my medication, utilize support system to the best of my ability, and struggle but have the ability to feel happiness.
It sounds so much easier than it actually is. Home is not a safe place.
i’m bummed because I need a series of pills in order to function on a basic level.
anti depressants
mood stabilizer
add medication
and that’s just to keep me away from bulimic behaviors. if I don’t take one of them, i’m fucked. it’s upsetting that i’m dependent on something other than myself to keep my head just above the water. I still can’t move much, i’m spending so much energy on just breathing. if I don’t have my artificial life source I slip under and panic. it’s terrifying because i’m afraid i’m going to keep sinking. until I take my medication, the surface breaks and i’m able to keep my nose above the water.
I wouldn’t mind being stressed about starting this women’s studies research paper as opposed to having my mind preoccupied by the most trivial of events that have, nonetheless, managed to impact me over the time they’ve had to accumulate and attack at my weakest—the night. I wish I could focus on researching for this paper as diligently as I’ve attempted to type this post to effectively convey the stress and anxiety I am experiencing in this moment.
In conclusion, I am stressing about not presently having the emotional capacity to channel my stress into adrenaline in order to accomplish rational and important things.
UGH
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(via t-o-t-a-l-b-a-b-e)
Reading and blogging profusely until this urge goes away.
I’m not sorry.
Trying not to b/p until at least 12. From there I’ll see how long I can hold it off. I picked up the Xanax yesterday. I didn’t feel like it helped with anxiety, it just made me drowsy. Not my cup of tea. I read up on the effects a bit so Im going to try it at a very high anxiety moment and see if there’s any difference. I just don’t want it now bc it’s 1030 and I don’t want to be sleepy right now
I drank at least half a liter of wine. It’s all i can see that my parents have. I hate wine. They’re definitely going to notice the empty bottle
Mom is taking me out somewhere (I don’t care) to eat. I’m going to try to keep everything down (depending on where we eat) but I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll be able to overcome the voice.
I hate myself. I’m talking to one of my friends from day who is going to res sometime next week as soon as there’s room. I want to help her cope with the stresses of day treatment but I probably won’t be able to because I’m useless. I’m trying but I just don’t want to make things worse. I’m terrible. I might be perpetuating the problem. I had a dream I went back to Renfrew. I want and do not want to go back. I’m in college. I feel like I can’t waste any more time. I feel strained.
It pisses me off because people who have shitty personalities (while they have different struggles than I) can do the most basic of needs without a single thought. And rationally I know that I am empathetic and blah blah blah but my eating disorder tells me otherwise and I fall into it. And instead of being competitive in knowledge/intelligence, I’m susceptible to being “competitive” in unimportant things.
That is not how I want to be remembered. This is not how I want to be existing.
Lol I hate myself
I just do. Everybody hates me because I am myself. I can’t. I want to be a nurse because its a relatively steady income but I’m not interested in my nursing courses. I’m in love with sociology, English, and women’s studies. Feminism. Opinions. Not just one right answer, but many. Philosophy. That’s what I want. But I’m clueless as to how to make that a payable career. It makes me feel lost. I want to be a nurse because I love helping people. Helping them find the light. I hope I can be a mother (one of the things that drives my recovery) but I am so lost. I feel. I’m bot numb. Not sure. Not certain of anything. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I just feel like bingeing and purging. Being slightly drunk doesn’t do it for me I don’t know what to do with myself.
