I had sex with Tom

As a female I felt like an object. I could just numb myself. I told him I love him and he didn’t respond. I could just stop being genuine. I just stood there and pretended to enjoy it. Hw asked what was wrong and I told him “Nothing”. I am empty. I told myself i loved him and it wouldn’t matter if he loved me back. It was a drunken lie.

I am unloved. My grandma died. I haven’t cried or been very upst about that be aide I’ve been waiting for her to die , but I know Sunday (her wake) is gunna hit me like a ton of bricks. When everyone is crying. I won’t be able to contain myself. I don’t know. I just want to drink more and not be alone, but be with someone who loves me. Tom doesn’t love me.

12:20 am  •  15 March 2013

wow i hate myself

wow i hate myself

wow i hate myself

wow i hate myself

wow i hate myself

wow i hate myself

ow bow chika wow wow i hate myself holy fucking shit fuck fuck fuck i hate everything about myself. fuuucccckkkk me. fuck.

2:29 pm  •  14 August 2012  •  1 note

(Source: descroissants, via onsicksadworld)

6:03 pm  •  25 June 2012  •  5,574 notes

I want to cry. My arms are too fucking large.

I’m getting too big. I don’t want to eat. I have to eat. I don’t fucking want to eat. I need to fucking eat.

Either way I’ll hate myself. At least it’ll make my mom happy. I really don’t feel like I can eat this fucking salad.

Too fucking much. FUCKING ALWAYS TOO MUCH

7:42 pm  •  9 June 2012

I really wish Paul was my prom date.

Sigh. Maybe we’ll get together sometime in the future…if he ever texts me. I’m giving him space. I feel too overbearing. Too much too much, always too too much. Too much and not enough.

I’m not good enough. I don’t care what anyone else thinks or says I am ugly and vile and disgusting and wasteful and selfish and dumpy, just too fucking MUCH. It’s screaming in my head.

1:19 pm  •  1 June 2012

I don’t wanna feel anything ever again. I don’t want to need anything anymore. I would rather starve than allow myself to feel at all. I need to be numb. Feelings are too much too much. The negatives far outweigh the positives right now

7:02 pm  •  30 May 2012  •  1 note

My answer is to get drunk

And now I’m desirable again..to at least someone.

Also not going to prom with Paul because he has to work and it would’ve been alot of hassle to get Friday night off. My best friend introduced me to her childhood friend nick and since he’s kind and funny I asked if he would go with me and he accepted.

I went to Starbucks today though and Paul said nothing to me except hi…I was thinking of texting him that I heard he doesn’t talk anymore but I’m just gunna wait for him to text me, if he ever does. Whatever. Yes I’m annoyed/upset that he had his back to me and was just smiling, but I’m not gunna let him know that I care. Because he was probably just talking to me to flirt and I won’t even know if he’s actually working on Friday and he’s probably laughing about being asked to prom because it’s absolutely ridiculous and it’s just embarrassing.

Whatever. Whatever whatever whatever.

I’m upset and fat and ugly so I get drunk. One had habit doesn’t make the other okay, but for now at least I’m not bingeing and purging. Whatever. What a teenage thing to say.

I hate him. I’m embarrassed to go to Starbucks now.

6:48 pm  •  28 May 2012

Last night I snuck out to hang out with this kid I have a crush on and at 5AM we were in his driveway and his car wouldn’t start so I had to walk home. I was already freezing and shivering in his car so he tried giving me his jacket but I just said I didn’t deserve to be warm and got out of the car. I walked/ran 2 miles home crying because I was so fucking cold. I got home and told my dad I was out running.

I’m at day treatment now. I’m still drunk and have a hangover. I feel so sick and I want to punch something and I’m falling asleep every few minutes. I hate myself. I am not very receptive to treatment right now. I should punish myself.

I am a bad person and I deserve the torture of having an eating disorder and I am going to binge at least twice before taking a nap. I’m so fucking exhausted but im a bad enough person it doesn’t fucking matter how or what I feel. I want out of here. I will lie and continue with my self destruction and I do not deserve support so I will keep my complaints to myself. I’m less than fucking human; There aren’t
strong enough words to express how fucking disgusting of a thing I am. Lower than a piece of shit.

11:52 am  •  3 April 2012  •  1 note

i’m so tired of being scared..and I still have reason to be

(via maira-meow)

6:45 pm  •  2 April 2012  •  3,812 notes

Particularly today. I have such deep contempt for myself. Im so greedy. Selfish. I show no appreciation for everything I have even when I feel grateful. I’m a disgusting thing.

I just want to sleep. I don’t deserve it.

10:06 am  •  13 March 2012

Makes me want to cut myself more than my father does. Makes me feel so unworthy of food.

No one makes me feel this way except for him. I haven’t eaten all day. I’ve had about 5 cups of black coffee and 10 of tea. I walked to and from school, then went running for 20 minutes, got ready for work, ran around there for 6.5 hours. I walked to and from there as well and felt like crying on the way back because of what my dad said to me last night. I wrapped up the burger my boss made for me and put it in the fridge for my dad to have.

Selfish, worthless, wasteful, greedy, inconsiderate. I’m a bad person and a disappointment to my parents.

I hope I get run over by a bus.

I deserve to be hit by a truck.

If someone suffocated me in my sleep I wouldn’t blame them. I disgust myself. A waste.

12:31 am  •  10 March 2012

When I’m running around at work I feel like everyone is staring at how fat I am and whispering and laughing at how ugly and slow and clumsy I am.

9:43 am  •  6 February 2012

He saw my binge food. He also found my unopened bottle of rose. I have no idea why he came inside my room. Maybe I forgot my light on. It’s fucking 6 20 in the morning while my mom is getting ready for work and he starts yelling at me to get dressed because we’re going to the hospital. My mom hears from downstairs and asks what’s wrong and I say “I’m fucking tired” so she comes upstairs and just tells me to bring everything downstairs. I hear her tell my dad to calm down, how she’s trying her best to find me a therapist.

They’re disappointed. Those fucking words, this fucking feeling.

I wish I had a sharper knife. Wish I’d killed myself last night while I had more alcohol in my system. Fucking pussy.

And all I’m thinking is- They’re laughing at me, scoffing at how

Fat

fatfatfatfatfatfatfat

F

A

fucking T their daughter is.

6:49 am  •  1 January 2012  •  1 note

(Source: hyades, via varsovio)

5:52 pm  •  3 December 2011  •  1,851 notes