I may be a mirror of my dad in terms of appearance and habits, but thank god I have my mom’s personality and ability to support other people cause it means I’m not an asshole
I may be a mirror of my dad in terms of appearance and habits, but thank god I have my mom’s personality and ability to support other people cause it means I’m not an asshole
No man will ever love me
My last boyfriend was emotionally and verbally abusive and cheated on me.
My dad doesn’t love (like) me
Tom enjoys my company <I> enough</I> but not enough to love me. He will never love me. Its the healthiest relationship I’ve had so far and I’m not good enough to have him love me. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t love me. He will never love me.
That and besides the fact that one of my girls from treatment invited me to swim in her pool in the rain, and then told me everyone left when I was about to head over (25 minutes after she called). So that means she invited everyone else before me. I’m not even close to the girls from treatment anymore, and just the situation bothers me. And my one friend(?) in town, is interested in me just as a sex object. There is no one here to talk to. No one to love me back. No man will love me. I don’t feel well
I feel sick
Today marks one year since graduating frm residential.
Urge to binge and purge: 2.8/10
My psychiatrist told me not to worry about my stats final. I’m going to the gym instead
I need to find a job
Make plans with friends to sleep over their house, have lunch together
See Tom. A lot. And love him a lot.
I need to choose between being miserable and depressed and risk losing everything I’ve earned from being in recovery, and not having energy, and pushing people away, and feeling embarrassed about myself and worthless and jeopardize returning to college in the fall due to returning to DT or IP.
OR I can try to get through each day at a time, keep working through the anxiety, take my medication, utilize support system to the best of my ability, and struggle but have the ability to feel happiness.
It sounds so much easier than it actually is. Home is not a safe place.
I had a dream I had a temper tantrum, threw plastic Tupperware, and metal pitchers around my room. And later I had to travel back in time to find out the real story of my uncle and color and his character. I was just angry and confused
in addition to being dependent on my dosage, the add medication i’m on is habit forming. so I’ve been abusing it. it’s rendered me incapacitated. non functional. I was a crashing computer. otherwise I have no drive. it’s an irrational thing. I need to cut this stupid shit out. I don’t need this on my plate. i’m already inadequate. I don’t need another thing on my plate to make me even more of a worthless, confused dolt
i’m not 100% sure why tom hasn’t run away yet. I’m an unambitious idiot. I talk to myself. I skip classes. I cry from being overwhelmed. I don’t do anything about the towering workload that I CREATED. My responsibility and i’m the child who can’t take responsibility for her mistake. i’m stupid. i’m inefficient. i’m slow. i’m not smart enough or attractive enough or driven enough or focused enough or independent enough. I’m just not ENOUGH.
i’m bummed because I need a series of pills in order to function on a basic level.
anti depressants
mood stabilizer
add medication
and that’s just to keep me away from bulimic behaviors. if I don’t take one of them, i’m fucked. it’s upsetting that i’m dependent on something other than myself to keep my head just above the water. I still can’t move much, i’m spending so much energy on just breathing. if I don’t have my artificial life source I slip under and panic. it’s terrifying because i’m afraid i’m going to keep sinking. until I take my medication, the surface breaks and i’m able to keep my nose above the water.
I’ve been in a bad mood since like 2007
(Source: askingalexandergaskarth, via smut101)
CAN BARELY manage to type a dentence/. ri’m sick. everything I look st nausea. no more typing
today sucks
everything iosmnakimh me sicj
I’m actually able to catch up on work and study. Go me
I wouldn’t mind being stressed about starting this women’s studies research paper as opposed to having my mind preoccupied by the most trivial of events that have, nonetheless, managed to impact me over the time they’ve had to accumulate and attack at my weakest—the night. I wish I could focus on researching for this paper as diligently as I’ve attempted to type this post to effectively convey the stress and anxiety I am experiencing in this moment.
In conclusion, I am stressing about not presently having the emotional capacity to channel my stress into adrenaline in order to accomplish rational and important things.
UGH
Lol I have no friends.
I had suuch a good morning today. i went to english this morning, and tom had given me his keys, so i went to collect some clothes, then headed back over to tom’s to shower and get ready while he was still in class. i’m wearing a beautiful high/low dress with a yellow, black, and white print. i felt so pretty. i put on makeup and my eyeliner looked great.
when tom came in about 1/2 an hour later, he was pleasantly surprised. he set down his stuff and we talked about how our classes went (i finally put my knowledge from women’s studies to use!) and he believes he passed a test he was unaware of. then he commented on one spot on my face where he asked if i accidentally put too much makeup. it’s dry/irritated so i was just trying to cover it up. he tried to cover his comment by apologizing and saying he doesn’t know much about makeup. and yeah, it was innocent but all of a sudden, my confidence level dropped substantially. i wasn’t perfect. i wasn’t the most beautiful thing he’s seen. it didn’t matter how i felt before. i wasn’t good enough. i’m boring, i’m only average, i’m causing him to fail by constantly distracting him and not suggesting we do homework and study. i take up too much of his time. i’m no good to be around him. i’m not perfect.
