Oh my god
I just remembered the other part of my dream last night and it was that I started to cut myself again ugh. It was so real at that time, and even though I only just remembered it, I’m surprised that all that’s left are my old, fading scars.
The part that was clear when I woke up was seeing a raccoon and I told it to get past a river/stream by jumping onto a couch so I could pet it. When it came onto my side of the large hall (it was kind of like a rough stone castle hall) it started running around excitedly and I was kind of scared bc I knew it was a wild animal, but it was so cute. So I started petting it and it was all cute and cuddly and then I started tickling/scratching under its paw and it really really didn’t like that. I tried tk move my hand away but apparently I had snagged one of its claws and it twisted and idk it was in pain and it also scratched me. I looked up the meaning of seeing a raccoon in dreams and it means that I’m not being truthful, I’m hiding a secret. I suppose I am hiding the fact that I don’t have strong feelings for Tom and I’m still just here.
I also had a third dream that my aunt was looking for some present and we couldn’t find it ANYWHERE but she spent all day looking and finally found it. One of the things she bought was a child size Barbie that was kind of chubby and there was another toy, which is what she had been looking for (but I don’t remember) and it made me upset for some reason so I threw it on the ground in the parking lot. My aunt looked so tired and exhausted and she asked if I wanted to be sent away to some place starting with an L, and I said no and felt guilty so I offered to drive wherever. And another part of the dream was seeing my aunt’s husband and my cousin Gisani sit next to eachother and gisani was saying he wanted to call my uncle because he loves him and Andrew (my uncle) looked extremely impacted by those words and like he was about to cry tears of joy and he asked my cousin to say that again and he was about to kiss his forehead but it was like he thought about it and changed his mind, but he hugged his head like he was the most glorious boy ever. Yep that’s what I dreamt last night.
1:36 pm • 28 January 2013
I feel feel like cutting because I miss the release
It’s just so easy. But I want to make it at least 1 year. One year. June 2013. No self harm. Just one year
4:10 am • 10 December 2012
It’s been 4 months since I self harmed
Ithinkthat might be a record. I’m hoping to continue on that path. It doesn’t help anyway.
On a side note, it’s been 8 months since I’ve had sex.
WHAT IS THIS.
10:42 pm • 7 October 2012 • 1 note
Nobody, and I mean NObody
Makes me want to cut myself more than my father does. Makes me feel so unworthy of food.
No one makes me feel this way except for him. I haven’t eaten all day. I’ve had about 5 cups of black coffee and 10 of tea. I walked to and from school, then went running for 20 minutes, got ready for work, ran around there for 6.5 hours. I walked to and from there as well and felt like crying on the way back because of what my dad said to me last night. I wrapped up the burger my boss made for me and put it in the fridge for my dad to have.
Selfish, worthless, wasteful, greedy, inconsiderate. I’m a bad person and a disappointment to my parents.
I hope I get run over by a bus.
I deserve to be hit by a truck.
If someone suffocated me in my sleep I wouldn’t blame them. I disgust myself. A waste.
12:31 am • 10 March 2012
my dad is fucking dumb
he saw me preparing a bowl of beans before going to bed.
I yell at him to not comment on my food, because I know how badly it affects me. Before I even finish my sentence, he yells back at me not to raise my voice at him. My mom is aware of the situation from her room, so she calls hurriedly to my dad to bring her a glass of water.
I begin hyperventilating while my dad is filling up a glass of water. He leaves and I grab a kitchen knife and begin sawing at my wrist, but it’s too dull to do any real harm. I throw my bowl of beans in the fridge, run upstairs and begin purging every last bit. Of my 5 purges today, it was the most painful one. Physically and emotionally.
I’m a fucking slug. I’m disgusting. Fucking fatass. Dumpy. Greedy. Selfish.
I am a bad person. I was going to go to sleep early tonight, but idk.
Drinking tea now. I’m going to talk to my counselor tomorrow.
12:48 am • 2 March 2012 • 1 note
I just took my psychology midterm high.
I didn’t study.
My left temple is tender from me punching myself last night.
12:54 pm • 19 January 2012 • 4 notes
||Why haven't you done your homework?
||I'm sorry, binging, purging and self-harming were just a lot more attractive than doing homework. It's not your fault.
11:08 am • 31 December 2011 • 1,493 notes
Oh you know, the usual. I want to die, I cut myself on a daily basis, I rarely eat and when I do I force myself to vomit, I’m literally dying, I’m hopelessly depressed, I despise my home life, and too many times I’ve nearly offed myself. No big deal or anything.
8:40 pm • 18 December 2011 • 35 notes